Evolution

I feel like Darwin at the Galapagos Isles. Except the transformation observed is my own. Life comes with many trials and tribulations that befall us all. How you deal with them shape the sort of person you become. How beautiful of a butterfly do you want to be? Your actions will shape your wings, like the Master Crafter himself did it.

I know I've grown. Not physically, of course, I'm still short as hell. But emotionally, mentally, and hell, even spiritually I'm having a growth spurt. I know this through my dealings with people in my life. I'm direct and concise. I don't mince words and I make my expectations perfectly clear. I know all of this, and yet I still feel the need to check the closet.

In my closet there's a graveyard of past misdealing. A highlight reel of my mental hall of shame. Everything that I've ever done-- from taking a cookie when I wasn't supposed to, to convincing a girl to breakup with her boyfriend on Thanksgiving-- plays at this cinema. Yes, I actually did that. I bludgeon my self respect with these memories only to revive it. I ponder all these things, being the conscience man I am. I have never asked the question, "why me?" It just seems like a naive query. "You get what you fucking deserve" is what Arthur said before he pulled the trigger. I don't think that's the case all the time. I definitely don't believe God, or whatever higher power, is righting wrongs. Don't get me wrong, I do believe in karma and the primordial reaping of what you sow. I just don't think that all of what you do is weighed in tally marks on a big ass easel in the sky.

I think its like a cosmic scale. One side is the good things that you've amassed, weighted against all the shitty things that you've executed. When the scales sway to either side, the universe doles out accordingly. I know all this, and yet, I must confess, I still feel like I'm paying for some past sins. Or perhaps the sins of my father. Whatever those may be. Either way, I'm just a mortal, clawing his way to his developmental Mount Olympus. I make the journey even though I'm weighted down like the stubborn jackass I am. "Miserable man that I am", exclaimed the Apostle Paul. Like him, I have an internal struggle raging at all times. I want to do right, but my flesh steers me into mistakes more times than I'd like to admit. Let it go. The guilty, the anger, the self loathing, the embarrassment, the contempt-- for myself and others. Let it go. Purify your soul in the Ganges of your own forgiveness. This is the sermon I'm preaching and the only congregation member is myself.

Yes, I've evolved. 23 year old Evan is a far cry from 26 year old Evan. But we still have a helluva lot more growing to do. I'm thrilled by the man I am becoming and can't wait to see what the next chapter will bring. I'm not entirely sure who's writing the book, or who has the pen, but I'm here for the ride. Slowly but surely I'm growing, glowing and stowing, all of my life lessons into that graveyard. So now I lay them down to sleep, I pray the lord my errs sweep, and if I die before I wake, next time around, show me what's at stake.